I was recently at a Lifeskills 121 https://www.facebook.com/Lifeskills121#!/Lifeskills121?sk=info course and at one point the discussion I was involved in was about the ability or inability to meet the needs of someone else, how it made us feel when we could not meet those needs, how we judged ourselves just because we couldn't meet those needs and how that judgement pushed all kinds of buttons of failure and sadness and 'not good enough'. Ok, perhaps the discussion was not so linear and outlined as I just made it sound, but that was my take-away points.
This really struck home with me , especially when it comes to dealing with my children and some other choice people in my life.
For me, as a mom, I seemed to have picked up the self-imposed notion that I alone was responsible for meeting every single need my children had. And not just the physical or emotional needs, but every other need too. Really? Talk about a superwoman, supermom complex! And even worse, being a nurturing caring person, I extended that thought process to anyone in my life I cared about. Intellectually I know that I can't be everything for every person. No one can. In practice however, that's exactly what I've tried to do!
It's really not, however, the whole 'not meeting the need' that's the problem, at least for me. It's the self judgement that follows that feeling that I have been struggling with, dancing with, for a very long time. So many scenarios are floating through my brain right now of times when I have judged myself, sometimes very harshly, for simply not being able to do something.
Why is it that we .... ok I'm going to make this personal .... why is it that *I* judge myself over something that I would in no way judge someone else about? Oh yeah, back to that superwoman / supermom thought process ......... right?
Then one of the instructors said something that really struck home with me. "Perhaps", he said, "its just that the person in front of you wants an orange .... and you're an apple tree."
As simple as that sounds .... it was profound to me.
Yes, I thought, that's it! It's not that there is anything wrong with the apple tree. Nor is there anything wrong with the requester of the orange. There's no negativity there. There's no judgement, no recrimination, no feeling resentful towards the provider or the requester. It's just that each person ... ok make it personal Ginni .... it's just that *I* have certain, but limited, talents and abilities. I cannot be everything for every person. Nor should I expect myself to be. I'm sure a huge light bulb appeared over my head, shining a bright light into a dark corner that had previously not seen much light! Hello? Are you in there???
That night as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, this whole concept kept rolling through my head like a street washer rolling down a street cleaning up the dust and dirt and debris of the day. Scenario's played out in my head and I realized the same fact over and over .... that person standing in front of me at any given time asking me to do something, OR my perception that I SHOULD do something for some person, just had a need that I couldn't meet. It didn't mean I was bad. It didn't mean I was a failure. It didn't mean that I didn't care (ok there's the big one right there!). It JUST meant that I couldn't fulfill that need. Take a deep breath. Ok. I got it. Thank you God for this lesson. Amen. Now, can I please go to sleep?
But no ................I could not.
Words started pouring into my brain. Words that one awake part of me said, "You should get up and write this down." And one sleepy part of me said, "Shut up I'm trying to sleep here!". The awake part said, "You won't remember this, just like this, in the morning.". The sleepy part said, "Yeah, I know, but I'm willing to take that chance if you'll just shut up!". Ever had that discussion with yourself in the middle of the night? Needless to say, eventually I knew I had to get up and write down the words circling my brain or I knew I would not sleep.
The problem was ... I was in a hotel room. In the dark. With a roommate. Who was soundly asleep in her bed. And I needed a piece of paper. And a pen. And light ... light would be good. So ...... I got out of bed, grabbed my purse (knowing it would contain both paper and pen) and went in the bathroom (light is good!) and wrote the following:
I am an apple tree.
I have many delicious apples
that are wonderful
for your
body and spirit.
I will be happy to share on with you.
This will meet my need
to nurture
and will meet your need
for an apple.
If, however, it is an orange
that you seek,
then you must seek elsewhere.
For I cannot become an orange tree.
Even for you.
I wish you well on your
journey
and will pray you receive
the orange that you need
from the most perfect orange tree
that can be found.
If at some time in your future
that you would like an apple
then please return.
I will always have an apple
to share with you.
Recent Comments