Want an Apple?

I was recently at a Lifeskills 121 https://www.facebook.com/Lifeskills121#!/Lifeskills121?sk=info course and at one point the discussion I was involved in was about the ability or inability to meet the needs of someone else, how it made us feel when we could not meet those needs, how we judged ourselves just because we couldn't meet those needs and how that judgement pushed all kinds of buttons of failure and sadness and 'not good enough'.  Ok, perhaps the discussion was not so linear and outlined as I just made it sound, but that was my take-away points.

This really struck home with me , especially when it comes to dealing with my children and some other choice people in my life.

For me, as a mom, I seemed to have picked up the self-imposed notion that I alone was responsible for meeting every single need my children had.  And not just the physical or emotional needs, but every other need too.  Really?  Talk about a superwoman, supermom complex!  And even worse, being a nurturing caring person, I extended that thought process to anyone in my life I cared about.  Intellectually I know that I can't be everything for every person.  No one can.  In practice however, that's exactly what I've tried to do!

It's really not, however,  the whole 'not meeting the need' that's the problem, at least for me.  It's the self judgement that follows that feeling that I have been struggling with, dancing with, for a very long time.  So many scenarios are floating through my brain right now of times when I have judged myself, sometimes very harshly, for simply not being able to do something.

Why is it that we  .... ok I'm going to make this personal .... why is it that *I* judge myself over something that I would in no way judge someone else about?  Oh yeah, back to that superwoman / supermom thought process ......... right?

Then one of the instructors said something that really struck home with me.  "Perhaps", he said, "its just that the person in front of you wants an orange .... and you're an apple tree."

As simple as that sounds .... it was profound to me.

Yes, I thought, that's it!  It's not that there is anything wrong with the apple tree.  Nor is there anything wrong with the requester of the orange.  There's no negativity there.  There's no judgement, no recrimination, no feeling resentful towards the provider or the requester.  It's just that each person ... ok make it personal Ginni .... it's just that *I* have certain, but limited, talents and abilities.  I cannot be everything for every person.  Nor should I expect myself to be. I'm sure a huge light bulb appeared over my head, shining a bright light into a dark corner that had previously not seen much light! Hello?  Are you in there???

That night as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, this whole concept kept rolling through my head like a street washer rolling down a street cleaning up the dust and dirt and debris of the day.  Scenario's played out in my head and I realized the same fact over and over .... that person standing in front of me at any given time asking me to do something, OR my perception that I SHOULD do something for some person, just had a need that I couldn't meet.  It didn't mean I was bad.  It didn't mean I was a failure.  It didn't mean that I didn't care (ok there's the big one right there!).  It JUST meant that I couldn't fulfill that need.  Take a deep breath.  Ok. I got it.  Thank you God for this lesson.  Amen. Now, can I please go to sleep?

But no ................I could not.

Words started pouring into my brain.  Words that one awake part of me said, "You should get up and write this down." And one sleepy part of me said, "Shut up I'm trying to sleep here!".  The awake part said, "You won't remember this, just like this, in the morning.".  The sleepy part said, "Yeah, I know, but I'm willing to take that chance if you'll just shut up!".  Ever had that discussion with yourself in the middle of the night?  Needless to say, eventually I knew I had to get up and write down the words circling my brain or I knew I would not sleep.

The problem was ... I was in a hotel room.  In the dark.  With a roommate.  Who was soundly asleep in her bed.  And I needed a piece of paper.  And a pen.  And light ... light would be good.   So ...... I got out of bed, grabbed my purse (knowing it would contain both paper and pen) and went in the bathroom (light is good!) and wrote the following:

I am an apple tree.

I have many delicious apples

that are wonderful

for your

body and spirit.

I will be happy to share on with you.

 

This will meet my need

to nurture

and will meet your need

for an apple.

 

If, however, it is an orange

that you seek,

then you must seek elsewhere.

For I cannot become an orange tree.

Even for you.

 

I wish you well on your

journey

and will pray you receive

the orange that you need

from the most perfect orange tree

that can be found.

 

If at some time in your future

that you would like an apple

then please return.

I will always have an apple

to share with you.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Teresa S]

Oh my Ginni....that TOTALLY hit home....thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. And thank you to the awake side of your brain that decided to get up and write that. I think I will borrow your apple/orange comparison (if you don't mind) in the future with my own family. Hugs to you....

[Carol]

Ginni, that is amazing. I think the biggest truths are the small ones, like this. A lesson for us all!!! And by the way, I think you are an *awesome* apple tree. :)

[Dawn]

Ginni,
This is PERFECTLY PUT!I have had many nights like this and often wonder who else might be lying awake trying to figure out our CRAZY world!Thinking ok how can I fix this what did I do, what did I not do... I feel bad BUT I dont feel bad..... blah blah blah on goes my mind!
Not sure what class you are going to BUT you have payed it forward this TOTALLY makes sense out of many sitituations in my life right now and in the past SOOOOO Thank You!
I feel it was really the holy spirit telling you to get out of bed and the devil telling you just go to sleep : )
I hope you send a copy of your wise thoughts to the leader.You could publish this SOMEWHERE else too.WOW to have been able to GET this 20 years ago!!!!
May I copy and use this? Love,Dawn